Unforced Confession

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "Do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Wise Guy

Johnny was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. At the 3rd time the Pastor said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Jacob." Jacob went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Heineken Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!"