Unforced Confession

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "Do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Wise Guy

Johnny was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. At the 3rd time the Pastor said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Jacob." Jacob went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Heineken Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!"

Maths Issues

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Paddy: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Double Checked

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

Nice comparism

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair have grown is called Monkey, be proud dat your monkey have grown hair". . . . the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey have grown hair" Her sister smiled and said-that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas"...Mom fainted

You get what you want

A girl posted an advertisement in the paper for a husband, saying: 'I need a person who will never leave me, never beat me and can satisfy me in bed.' Next day, a guy with no arms and legs knocked loudly at her door. Girl:who are you? Guy: I want to be your husband. Girl:you don't fit for that. Guy:I don't have arms, so I can't beat u. I don't have legs, so I can't leave you. Girl: But how can you satisfy me in bed? Guy:How do you think I knocked the door?

Be yourself (no matter what)

David and Micheal were lost in the Sahara desert .. They were dying of thirst when they saw a mosque .. David said:'Look lets pretend we are Muslims!! ... otherwise we'll not get any food or drink .. i am going to call myself' Ahmed".' Micheal refused to change his name and identity and said: 'I will not pretend to be other than what I really am.' The Imam of mosque received both well and asked about their names ... David:'My name is Abdulhammed.!!!' Micheal:'My name is Micheal.' The Imam turned to his helpers and said: 'Please bring food and water for Micheal only.' Then he turned to David (Abdulhammed) and said: Dear Abdul, how is fasting?